I've always wanted to be a mom although I never imagined it would happen the way it did. I come from a good family, not perfect by any means, but still good. My parents are still together and if they ever considered divorce, I never suspected it.
So when I met my now husband and found out he had kids, I had conflicting emotions. I bounced back and forth between excitement and apprehension. After we said "I do," we had one wonderful night to be husband and wife as his mom kept the kids, and since then, it's been non-stop mom mode!
I would be lying if I said it was easy, and I'm sure every other bonus mom out there would agree. We went through the period where they didn't respect me. They wouldn't do anything I asked, and to be honest, I think there were days where they down-right hated me. Now for you bio moms out there, that's a whole different kind of hurt. To love someone with all your being--like they were your very own--and to be hated without having any memories of them once loving you to hang onto for hope.
There were tears....
LOTS OF TEARS!
I didn't know what to do. I didn't have the grace period years of 1-5 where you are allowed to figure out how to be a parent and your kids don't hold it against you. No. I came in at ages 11, 13, and 15. That's right...two teen girls and a preteen boy. I'll be honest, there were days when I questioned what in the world I was doing! Did I make a mistake? I loved my husband and I loved his kids, but I felt I was trying to live up to both my expectations of how a mother should be as well as theirs. And those were two differing sets of expectations!
I don't want to leave you with that person though. Through the almost past two years I have learned a lot, and a lot more than what most normal parents would. I have learned how to navigate not just normal teenage girl emotions but also feelings of hurt and disappointment from a past no child should have to endure. I've peeled back layers of distrust to allow them to come around to me being there, one selfless loving act at a time. I've learned that it's okay to let your kids know you struggle. In fact, it was when I revealed these struggles that they have had responses that have literally broke my heart and brought me to tears!
I've learned that you should really be careful what you ask for in prayer (I wouldn't suggest patience unless you are prepared for hell or high water! You just need to practice that one on your own sister, speaking from experience). I've also learned that excitement and enjoyment can be found in the imperfections! We are probably a far cry from a perfect family. Everyday holds new surprises, new emotions, new feelings, and new long held secrets that come out. I've learned that it is in this ride that God most reveals Himself. He shows up just when I need Him with the answer I need to deal with the kids He has blessed me with.
So for now, I'll just keep showing up and showing out to do everything I can to make them feel loved. Who knows if maybe that was all they needed all along?
"Who knows whether you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this?" Esther 4:14b (NKJV)
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